You may notice that a whole bunch of articles have been removed; replaced by links to the new site. This is because search engines apparently dislike duplicative content. So I have removed all of my articles and Flashbacks (only mine, though - thought it rude to excise anyone else's).

But don't worry, the wonderful articles you've come to love still exist at the new site. Which reminds me...

Why are you still HERE? Go to The Cubs Brickyard!!!

Well get on it!

The Brickyard's new address: www.thecubsbrickyard.com

And if you're one of our friendly linking sites, could you please change your link to reflect the new address? That would be swell...

The Brickyard HAS OFFICIALLY MOVED!

Check out our new and improved site for all of your Chicago Cubs Humor and Sports Parody News.

THE Cubs Brickyard at www.thecubsbrickyard.com

Same great content, new great look. Still mildly offensive, but not on your eyes.

Cowboys Trade for Pac-Man, Deny Rumor They Will Use 2008 1st Round Picks on Mario Brothers

by Eugene Fitswell


(Dallas, TX) - In between Botox injections, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones denied vehemently the rumors that the Pac-Man Jones trade is a precursor to the selection of Mario and Luigi Smash with the 22nd and 28th picks in the upcoming NFL Draft.


Ey, we make-a mean-a set-a linebackahs!


The Brickyard, acting on advice from Mel Kiper Jr, has now updated their mock draft for picks 22-32 to reflect these rumored discussions.

22. Dallas- Mario Smash, LB
23. Pittsburgh- Banjo Zooie, CB
24. Tennessee- Princess Toadstool, Cheerleader
25. Seattle- Link Swordsman, Quarterback/Gnome Slayer
26. Jacksonville- Mega Man, Wide Receiver
27. San Diego- Ninja Gaiden, ???
28. Dallas- Luigi Smash, LB
29. San Francisco- Samus Aran, Metrosexual/Alien/Punt Returner
30. Green Bay- Sub Zero, Running Back
31. New England- Waluigi Smash, Dirty Cheater
32. New York Giants- Donkey Kong, OT/Building Climber


We thank Mel for his assistance in this mock draft. $10 to anyone who submits a more accurate draft board.


(In case it isn't painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Mel Kiper didn't really help us with this, only our tortured childhood spent in front of a TV and Nintendo system. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don't sue. We don't have money anyway. Complaints taken at koz@bricksandivyradio.com)

I'm just here to read about the Cubs. If only there were a way to easily read only the Cubs articles...




!

Newsflash: ARod breaks cardinal rule, has daughter in the baseball season

(New York City, NY) - When reached for comment, Rodriguez simply responded,"C'mon man. Have you seen my wife? How can I turn her down? When she's ready to go, she's like a sexual gargoyle."


"Yea, I tapped that. I tapped it good." - ARod

- Diana Manna

Only seeing one article on the screen at a time.






soon...

Moved.

We hope not.



Because the times, they are a-changin'...



soon...

Chicago Cubs Pull Racist Shirt, Public Relations Department Kicks Off "We So Solly" Campaign

Moved.

"I just couldn't bear this burden anymore," Tejada said Thursday evening. "I am older than I previously said I was, and because of that, I have some regrets. I made more money in my early years than I should have. Oh, and I probably should not have played in the Little League World Series last year."


Though he said he should not have played, Tejada said "You've got to admit, I was the most dominant Little Leaguer since that Danny Almonte. What an amazing 12 year old he was."

I know, I know. It's Mid-April. But in fairness to me, my old computer was destroyed in a plane accident. Yes, the Dell was flying (first class, no doubt) around the country when it met an unfortunate end. This is the last time I allow my possessions to travel.

So please, say a little prayer for the Dell...

...

if it could, it'd say a little prayer for you.

(FOREVER! AND EVER!)

If I knew how, I'd embed that Julia Roberts video where they sing that song at the dinner table. But since I can't...

AWAY WE GO!

1. Chicago Cubs - Yea, Cubs blog. Yea, much like last year, I probably would have put the Cubs number one even if there was no reason to do so. I think there is reason to put them at the top, though.

Lee, Soriano, and Ramirez is a hefty threesome. When Soriano gets back (calf), and starts hitting...and then Ramirez starts hitting...watch out. Lee's not going to hit .400 all year, but ARam isn't going to hit .220 for the duration either. It should balance itself out and into productivity.

Fukudome has been a breath of fresh air with his approach and defense. His bat would probably play better in CF, though. Maybe at the break the Cubs will be in the market for a RF and move Fuk over to CF.

Huge workload be damned, Zambrano continues to be an effective pitcher. The walks are down this year so far, so watch out. Mr. Young's award may be calling. I hate Ted Lilly. Rich Hill gets bumped from the rotation...that shouldn't last. Much like our hitters, when Marquis and Dempster fade, Lilly and Hill should pick it up...balancing out again.

Kerry Wood hasn't been awful out of the pen. Yet. I still hold my breath every time he goes out.


This just makes me smile

2. Milwaukee Brewers - There's really only one true reason that I put them second as opposed to first: Ben Sheets. Not that Sheets is a detriment on that team, he's anything but. However, we all know that he is going to miss at least a month at some point with an injury, and I don't know that the Brewers staff is good enough to make up for his absence.

The offense is pretty good. Maybe even great. Braun/Fielder in the middle of the lineup is scary. Braun out-hit ARod last year from the date that Braun came up (.324/.370/.634). I like Rickie Weeks at the top of that order and think he's poised for a breakout. Ned Yost should be shot for hitting the pitcher 8th. It's stupid.

Gagne will probably blow a boat-load of saves before all is said and done.


This picture probably needs to have a salad put in. He's a vegetarian now, you know? *chortle*

3. Cincinnati Reds - In spite of Dusty, I think the Reds can make it to third place. At what cost, though?

Cueto and Bailey are supposed to be front-line starters of the future (though the luster may have worn off a bit for Bailey), so the question is will Dusty handle them carefully? Or will he send them to BrokeArm Mountain to shore up third place? Knowing Dusty, my money is on the latter.

Harang is the best pitcher that no one knows about. It will be interesting to see how Francisco Cordero fares away from Miller Park this year, as he was awful on the road last year (6.55 ERA).

The offense would be benefited by the call-up of Jay Bruce, though the Reds may be trying to keep the clock on him stalled for as long as possible. If 80% of the things they say about this kid are true, though, the Reds will probably end up buying up all his arbitration years anyway (or should, at least). Dunn remains an under-rated talent...and miscast as a middle of the order hitter. Griffey is close to 600 HRs...the Reds might benefit more by having him hit the landmark and then trading him away prior to injury.


That's a come hither look if ever I've seen one.

4. St Louis Douchebags - Suck on it, Genius LaRussa, your team isn't going to be in the top half of the division. Yes, I know they've started well...but it's early. So early that I haven't even finished my 08 preview yet!

Pujols can hit. But does his hitting outweigh his DORP (Douchiness over Replacement Player)? No. No it doesn't. Ankiel may be a feel good story for some, but I hate him with a passion and hope that another HGH story comes down on him. The Troy Glaus for Scott Rolen trade was a huge win for St Louis.

Wainwright for JD Drew a few years back was a huge deal for St Louis. However, as good as that deal was...the Mulder for Haren/Barton deal looks to outweigh it in the other direction. (Sorry Kiko Calero fans, your boy isn't getting more than this mention...parenthetically). Carpenter is out until at least June at last check. I think he's done.

And LaRussa is a filthy drunk. A fitting manager for this team.


I guess alcohol would explain hitting the pitcher 8th

5. Houston Astros - If this team could find pitching to go with what should be a pretty good offense, they'd be higher on this list.

Carlos Lee was probably a better choice than Alfonso Soriano. That may seem like hindsight, but it's really not. Berkman continues to hit...and to be a fat jackass. If Tejada can recover from the Mitchell Report outing and a down year last year, that's a pretty solid middle of the order. The Astros are relying on Michael Bourn to be a catalyst at the top of the lineup. No doubt he can run, but questions as to whether he can actually get on first. Pence will come back to Earth a bit after his year last year.

Oswalt has looked rough early (last night notwithstanding), but should be okay. Very early indications are that Wandy Rodriguez still can't pitch on the road. I think Shawn Chacon is in their rotation right now...heh.

Valverde is a good closer who is used to pitching in less than optimal conditions (last year in Arizona), so he should be fine. I'm not entirely sure how they plan to get to the 9th, though.


It could always worse...this was pre-Subway diet (Eat Fresh)

6. Pittsburgh Pirates - Bad bad bad. The midseason trade last year for Matt Morris epitomizes the Pirates...a team without direction or a clue (mind you, Dave Littlefield is now a scout with the Cubs. Which makes no sense. That's like letting a released child molester run a day care.)

Jason Bay should have a rebound season. Freddy Sanchez appears to be capable of continuing to hit .320. He's a viable middle infielder. Ryan Doumit has more fantasy value than real as his glove is going to move him out from behind the plate. Steve Pearce...a Gamecock...should see the big leagues before the year is over.

Zach Duke was a great pitcher in his rookie campaign...then they toyed with his mechanics and put him on the shelf (again, typical). Ian Snell and Tom Gorzelanny are good middle-of-the-rotation relievers who are probably going to find their value deflated by middling win totals.

I have absolutely no idea who the Pirates closer is. And I'm not going to look it up. Why? Because they're the Pirates, and no one should care.


Trust me, Batman doesn't care.

And there you have it. And I spell-checked it this time!...No, no I didn't.

- Fly (fly@bricksandivyradio.com)

They're not saying "boo." They're saying "Boo-aker, boo-aker."








"I was saying 'Boo-aker.'"

Soriano-less Cubs Beat up on Reds; Or - How Alfonso Soriano's Leg Exploded Playing Hopscotch

Moved.

Prince Fielder Becomes a Vegetarian - Meat Industry Files for Bankruptcy

According to Cubs.com, and largely straight from the horse's - Lou Piniella's - mouth, Rich Hill is moving to the pen for the better part of this week. He has struggled mightily with his control and command, both in spring training, and now in his first starts of the year. I can't blame Piniella for his decision, be it long or short term. But I'm vexed by the decision for several reasons.

Anyone remember a couple years ago when he was bounced from the rotation after just two mediocre to bad starts? He went on to do a complete minor league circuit that year, and came back in 2006 to have a nice half season for the big club. And obviously, he was very solid last year for the Cubs.

But what now? Obviously we don't have the luxury of sending him all the way down to Peoria (yup, that's where he was first sent down in 2005), and letting him work his way back to big club. So the bullpen, then? Does Rich Hill really strike anyone as a solid reliever? He's got command issues that, to me, would only become more pronounced in short inning, high intensity situations. It's a waste of his talent to make him a loogy (lefty specialist, who primarily faces tough lefty batters).



The scary part is that this isn't par for the course for Rich Hill. Sure, he had the two bad starts in 2005 before he got bounced, but the last two years, he hasn't been a slow starter. In fact, just last year, he was so dominant in April we joked that the Cubs should go with a one-man rotation. So it's not like with Zambrano, and we can just say, "ah, he's always a bit of a slow starter, he'll be fine." And because we have guys like Jon Lieber and Sean Marshall (and Sean Gallagher), why not have Hill on a short leash?

Ultimately, I don't really have an answer to these questions. I don't care to let Hill work out his issues in our rotation. There's too much to lose this year. Hell, I don't even want to let Ted Lilly work out his craptasticness right now, but that's another story. I don't like Hill in the pen. It's not realistic to demote Hill at this point.

So what then?

I'm glad I don't get paid to make these decisions. I just make fun of whatever decisions are made.

-Ace

A great deal has been written on whether or not Kerry Wood should have entrance music when he comes in to close out Cubs games. Until now, Wood was not interested in having such a "theme" song. But now he's settled on the classic, originally written by Paul Schaffer, "It's Raining Men."

"I just think it will get the fans excited. I know it does for me," Wood said. The Cubs will have to figure out what to do about the song when reliever Scott Eyre returns from the disabled list. The song was his choice, as well.

MLB Plagued by Rash of Teams That Don't Realize They Suck

Not Maria Sharapova's breasts, nor her face, nor even her thighs could get her into the finals of The Road to the Thighnal Four tournament going on over at our buddies' joint at Sharapova's Thigh. That honor went to the beautiful Elisha Cuthbert and the maddeningly overrated Megan Fox. Head over there and check it out, and voice your opinion.

Or, just stare at some hot, scantily-clad chicks. Whatever.

But frankly, we're disappointed in the tournament. If you've been following it at all, it was some fun. But we think they really missed the mark with their selections. Not just the women that advanced (afterall, that's not their fault, that's the fault of the voters), but the women that comprised the initial field.

We believe there were two GLARING omissions. So we're gonna put them up right here. We are proud to present you with the REAL finals. We have scoured the Earth to find the two hottest celebrity women; women worthy of making it to the Thighnal Four. Women who are daily bandied about as super hot, sexy women, but were inexplicably left out of the tournament.

Now, without further adieu, we give you THE REAL FINALS:

RENEE ZELLWEGER




VERSUS


FERGIE




So shout it from the rooftops: Who is the hottest chick in the world? Fergie or Renee??? Although, we must admit that we're a little partial to Renee.

by Richard N. Sachs

(Milwaukee, Wisconsin) - Talented young right fielder for the Milwaukee Brewers, Corey Hart, has grown weary of the seemingly endless questions and concerns regarding his insurance coverage.

"The first time some fan behind the plate yelled at me about switching my auto insurance to GEICO, I just brushed it off," said Hart. "But the next day, [Brewers left fielder] Ryan Braun asked me if my current auto insurance provider's [Allstate] Web site is intuitive enough to meet my needs. After that, the public interest in my insurance needs skyrocketed. I don't get it. Do people think I'm a bad driver or something?"


"WHAT THE [HECK] IS SO [GOSH DARN] SPECIAL ABOUT MOTHER [FLIPPING] GEICO, ANYWAY? TELL ME!"

Hart's driving record is clean and he hasn't made an insurance claim since his teenage years when he got into a minor fender-bender in the Waffle House parking lot in his hometown of Bowling Green, Kentucky. With a wife and three kids, his rates are very reasonable and he has never had an issue with Allstate.

"Yeah. You're right -- my driving record is solid. Can you see why I'm confused?" asked Hart. "Is there something I'm missing? Does GEICO have some sort of nationwide referral program?"

GEICO spokeswoman Eileen Speidel was contacted earlier this week and informed the Times Monitor Standard Courier that there is no nationwide referral program.

"Oh, by the way...if anyone runs into Ned Yost, could you tell him that I can pay my bills online with Allstate just fine and I don't need to take a look at the easy and eye-appealing layout at www.geico.com. You can also tell him he's an a-hole, while you're at it."

When contacted by the Times Monitor Standard Courier, Hart's agent replied, "Do you know this Speidel chick over at GEICO? Ever since you contacted her, she's been all over my back about some sort of endorsement deal for my client. Do I need to make an official statement? Fine. Here goes -- Mr. Hart is 100% satisfied with his current auto insurance provider. He has no plans to switch his coverage now or in the future. OK? Got it?"



(Richard N. Sachs is Geoff's B&I Times pseudonym. For some reason Ace insists that we all have one for these articles. In Ace's case, he has a pseudonym of a pseudonym -- the snail shell spirals deeper...

In case it isn't painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. We're unsure of who actually insures Corey Hart's vehicles...but someone should really let him know how easy GEICO's Web site is to navigate. Really. It's incredibly easy. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don't sue. We don't have money anyway. Complaints taken at geoff@bricksandivyradio.com)

Confused, Possibly Comically Racist Lou Piniella Demands Kosuke Fukudome's Translator Get His Ass Out to Right Field

"It's no secret that we want [Kansas head coach] Bill Self to be our coach here at Oklahoma State," business magnate and $3 billion OSU booster T. Boone Pickens said shortly after Self's Jayhawks beat Memphis to win the National Championship. "But we're gonna take it a step further, and we've arranged to just cut out the middle man, and purchase the 2008 National Championship for Oklahoma State. We're really proud of this victory."

We have been patiently waiting for another Maskat Mailbag, so we could provide another scintillating Muskat Manor. After several weeks passed, we started to wonder if our babe Carrie had excised the mailbag from her repertoire. Such a decision would be a crushing blow to our burgeoning blog.

But what if it is something much, much worse?

Upon review of Cubs.com, we realized that the last several articles... have not even been written by our Carrie Muskat at all! Instead, they've been written by some Jon Greenberg dude (what the hell are we supposed to do with that anyway? Greenberg's Garbage Bin?).

Investigate the terrifying possibilities for yourself.

This will require further research. Has Carrie been canned? Did she quit? Is this just a Hi-Ace-us?

Carrie! CAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!



UPDATE: Ok, so the most recent piece was all of a sudden again penned by one Carrence T. Muskat. Where were you, Carrie? And will you leave us again? Your adoring public wants to know???

Howry also refused to throw strikes, take out the trash, or do his homework. Manager Lou Piniella is expected to punish Howry by placing him in high-pressure, game-breaking, late game situations.

Wow, look at us...named to the "Greatest Blogs in the Universe" list by the Chicago Tribune (scroll down). We've finally arrived. Plus, I assume there's a huge cash bonus involved in being named to such a prestigious list.

Also, check out the brand new Bricks and Ivy Radio. Fresh baked for the new season.

Further, I'd like to go ahead and thank "The Fastest US based Web Proxy" for expressing interest in me. I am going to assume this is swag and not simply spam.

Also, let me go ahead and throw out to anyone who has sent us emails that we try to keep up with that as best we can, but honestly, sometimes it slips our (my) mind. Rest assured that we will get back to you as soon as is practical.

With that out of the way...

THE NL EAST!

1. Philadelphia Phillies - I know, I know. This is cheating. Pedro is now out 4-6 weeks. Such are the dangers of writing a preview without actually getting it done prior to the season.

The truth is that I think the Phillies, on the whole, are better than the Mets this year. I really like Cole Hamels, though he does have a history of getting injured. Brett Myers was supposed to be all world as a starter, and he's returned to that role this year. Jamie Moyer...well, he's Jamie Moyer.

The offense is where the rubber meets the road, though. Chase Utley is the premier offensive player at his position, and off the top of my head, I can't think of a close second. Jimmy Rollins probably shouldn't have been the MVP, but he was still damn productive last year. Pat Burrell is massively under-rated (offensively, his defense is ass) by his own team...it'd be nice if the Cubs could take him for next-to-nothing, although then I worry about his defensive...shortcomings being exposed in RF. Ryan Howard probably won't age well, but he should be fine for this year and penciled in for 40+ HRs.

I also really like Victorino in CF. The Phillies played the market intelligently by not massively overpaying to keep Rowand when they already had a guy like Victorino on the roster.


What is this green thing supposed to be? Also, this is foreshadowing. It's what we writer-types do.

2. New York Mets - I still think they're the second-best team in the division, but the void that Delgado is starting to create at first base added to the fact that Carlos Beltran seems to be unable to figure out Shea Steadium (100pts less slugging at home than away last year) keeps me from making them the team to beat, Pedro or no Pedro.

Johan Santana is the best pitcher in baseball. Period. This really can't even be debated. Adding him to a team that plays the Marlins and Nationals as many times as they do is criminal. After him, however, you have question marks. Pedro, as already discussed ad nauseum, is out for 4-6 weeks. John Maine was fine last year...I expect him to top 4.00 this year in ERA, but the K:BB looks fine and all and he should continue to be a good pitcher. Oliver Perez has dynamic stuff, but seems to be unable to be consistent. El Duque is hurt right now, opening the way for Mike Pelfrey (former uber-stud).

The offense...well, it should be better. Jose Reyes and David Wright are legitimate studs. A strong case can be made for Wright winning the MVP last year. The rest of the offense, though, gives me pause. Delgado is at the end of a magnificent career. The same can be said for Moises Alou. Inexplicably, the Mets traded Lastings Milledge for Brian Schneider and Ryan Church. Luis Castillo...is this the year the legs finally go?

The pen should be okay with Heilman and Wagner at the end.


This thing creeps me out.

3. Atlanta Braves - I know that when you came and visited one of the blogs that was listed as "A Blog that Jesus would Visit if he can Use a Computer (and I think he can)," you expect ground-breaking analysis. The truth is, most of these divisions feature a clear break between the top and bottom teams. I think the NL East falls squarely into that category.

The Braves run of dominance is over. It is a credit to that management team that they have been able to avoid becoming Marlins v. 2.0 and actually compete with the right mix of veteran and young talent. Francoeur, McCann, Kelly Johnson, Yunel Escobar...these players are being productive at the major league level at bargain costs.

The staff, however, is what makes them pretenders as opposed to contender. Smoltz is injured as of this writing, and who knows how much more his arm has in it. Hudson is a solid starter...but after him, who? Chuck James? Jair Jurrjens? Mike Hampton shocked the world last night and injured his pectoral muscle during pre-game warm ups.

I don't think this team has the rotation to be able to compete with the Phillies or the Mets over the course of the season, in spite of the Mets Pedro-woes.

Chipper Jones, though, has quietly (to me) put together a Hall of Fame career. He also, I think, cheated on his pregnant wife (at the time) with a Hooters girl. That may or may not be true. Please don't sue. We don't have any money.


This is just lazy. And still oh so creepy.

4. Washington Nationals - A team to watch in the future, but the new park (which is apparently very nice) will feature a fourth place team this year.

Ryan Zimmerman...he's good. Real good. He won't catch David Wright for the honor of Best Third Baseman in the division, but he'll at least make it a race. Nick Johnson is a steady bat if he can avoid the injury bug, and the Nationals have Dmitri Young signed to be a backup (bad move) should he falter. There's nothing like giving money to a guy who can only play first base...when you're already giving money to another guy who can, guess what, only play first base.

I think it's a shame that Felipe Lopez has been moved to the bench, and he's a guy that I think the Cubs should look heavily at. Wily Mo Pena can hit a fastball a bajillion miles, but can't touch a curveball. He's out with a torn oblique. I still like Lastings Milledge and think that the deal made between the Nats and the Mets may come back and bite the Mets in the same way the Kazmir/Zambrano deal did.

The Nats pitching is something of a wild card. They have talented guys in Jason Bergmann, Matt Chico, and Shawn Hill, but Bergmann and Hill both broke down last year. Releasing John Patterson prior to the season starting was an odd move.


Told you it was foreshadowing.

5. Florida Marlins - I almost left them out of the preview altogether as I don't think they can be technically considered a major league team at this point. ARod is making more than the Marlins this year. The Rays have doubled up the Marlins payroll. That's simply pathetic.

What's even sadder is that this franchise has won 2 championships in 10 full years of baseball. After this season, it will be 2 in 11.

Hanley Ramirez is awesome, though his defense may involve him having to move to the outfield. He's the player that the Marlins will no doubt build around, which is probably bad for Hanley. I guess you can say kudos to the fish for moving Delgado to the Mets as his contract was about to get expensive...although I tend to think that that move may have been more cost-cutting and less the realization that Delgado was probably going to begin his decline. Mike Jacobs returned in that deal, who is providing the Marlins with a pulse.

Willingham probably had more value when he was still catching, but he should still be an okay left-fielder. Dan Uggla...eh...I'm not a huge fan. I'm not sure why the Marlins let Miguel Olivo go, but whatever.

Can you name the Marlins' starting rotation? I know I can't. Scott Olsen is involved, but who knows what nonsense he'll get into this year. Apparently Mark Hendrickson was their opening day starter. Championship.

Josh Johnson, a former bright spot in that rotation, is out for the year. Josh Johnson is lucky.


This thing makes more money than the right side of the Marlins' infield.

And there you have it. You may think that I proof-read it now that we're part of the "Blogs that are Better than Cake" list. But you're wrong. I didn't.

- Fly (fly@bricksandivyradio.com)

We gotta give a shout out to Bricks and Ivy Radio, and tell you to check out their new podcast. Afterall, they're kind of like our parents here at The Brickyard - but, you know, not like, the bossy, controlloing kind of parents, but instead the cool parents, who all your friends really like, and who totally let you drink at their house in the basement with your friends, and maybe even have a beer with you, but then they forget to take car keys, and Timmy Poole gets really trashed, and decides to drive, and wraps his car around a telephone pole, and then he's not quite the same afterwards, but everyone still has to be friends with him, and the parents feel guilty so you have to hang out with him all the time, even when he pees on your floor, and so that part kind of sucks.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah. Bricks and Ivy Radio. Give it a listen.

The Brickyard was recently highlighted by the Chicago Tribune's "Chicago's Best Blogs."

In case you didn't know, the Chicago Tribune is THE world authority on bloggers, blogging, blogsploitation, and all other blog-related hijinx. And they are essentially saying that The Brickyard is the greatest sports parody blog in history of the universe. We're like the He-Man of blogs.



...and the fact that we nominated ourselves doesn't at all take away from this amazing honor.


MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE!!!

by Richard N. Sachs

(São Paulo, Brazil) - The gradual decline in popularity of the Street Fighter videogame franchise coupled with Prince Fielder's rise to baseball stardom has added to the inner-turmoil suffered by the once-legendary Blanka, or Hamablanka Fielder.

Legend has it that Blanka was raised in the Brazilian jungles by wild beasts after a tragic plane crash, but the feral Blanka tells an entirely different story altogether.

"Cecil abandon me and leave me on doorstep of church. He look me green skin and orange hair and him scared. GRAAARGH! BLANKA SAD ABOUT DADDY CECIL LEAVING BLANKA! WHY HIM DO THAT?!"


Sibling rivalry often rears its ugly head during Fielder family reunions.

Blanka paused to run to a nearby stream, pull a squirming arapaima from the water, and bite its head off.

"Prince not want to admit Blanka him's brother. But Blanka pointed out we have same prominent lower jaw and exaggerated underbite. Prince then see. But Prince still BITCH and me going to perform electric thunder attack on him at Fielder Family Barbecue tonight."

When pointing out Prince's hot start for the first-place Milwaukee Brewers and his impressive home run hitting, Blanka scoffed.

"Did Prince beat M. Bison in street fight with ground shave rolling attack? No? Hmmm. Blanka wonder who did that...yeah...me wonder..."

A tragic side-note related to this story; when sent on assignment to obtain comments from the Fielder family, Eugene Fitswell was critically injured when Prince mounted Eugene and bit off half of his face.

We're all pulling for you, Eugene.


(Richard N. Sachs is Geoff's B&I Times pseudonym. For some reason Ace insists that we all have one for these articles. In Ace's case, he has a pseudonym of a pseudonym -- the snail shell spirals deeper...

In case it isn't painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don't sue. We don't have money anyway. Complaints taken at geoff@bricksandivyradio.com)

Kansas City Royals Mathematically Eliminated from Playoff Contention

Gotta love the build-you-to-fever-pitch-only-to-be-let-down-only-to-have-an-unbelievable-
comeback-only-to-then-have-your-grapes-stepped-on opening day game. Unfortunately it's standard fair 'round these parts.



Well... at least all your outfielder are belong to us.

As today is Opening Day for the Chicago Cubs, it marks the approximate one-year anniversary that we re-tooled (take that expression in any appropriate way) The Brickyard. One whole year. And to be honest, I don't yet feel like we're a success - by whatever arbitrary standard I measure.

So in that regard, it's been a long year. It's a process, and we appreciate the fans we do have, but we're just not quite "there" yet. And so it's been a long year.

The Cubs have played without getting "there" for one HUNDRED years. It's amazing how long a year can feel when you put it up against one HUNDRED. I guess it's not very long at all.

So with that said... Opening Day 2008. It's a very exciting year for the Cubs - not just because of the one HUNDRED years, but because this team is relatively well-constituted. Some concerns with the rotation and the bottom of the lineup (or top, if that's where Theriot is) are there. But the front of the rotation looks solid - Zambrano looks the best at this time of year as he may have ever looked - the bullpen looks great, the heart of the order should be better. And hey, we got Fukudome. All your outfielder are belong to us.

So we'll root, root, root for our Cubbies this year. And we'll keep bringing you Cubs and sports parody news, ridiculous insight, and all the other totally worthwhile stuff you've come to expect here at The Brickyard.

Just don't expect us to do it for one HUNDRED years.

The Brewers also offered to extend Ryan Braun.

Said Brewers principal owner Mark Attanasio: "Sloth love Chunk!!"

Moved.

This one is probably going to be a bit shorter. I have to get these cranking because I don't think anyone cares to read an 08 Preview that gets written on June 1st.

Away we go.

1. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - I'm not as sold on this team as much as I have been in the past. Ervin Santana and Jered Weaver have made what appears to be the slide from can't miss to "hold-your-breath". Having seen the stuff that both bring to the game, I still have trouble picking against a team that features these two, John Lackey, and the under-rated Kelvim Escobar. Add in one of the best closers in the game and you have a recipe for success.

This may be the year that Scot Shields falls from his eighth inning perch, though.

The offense is highly meh. Torii Hunter is a nice player who was massively overpaid...especially when you consider that the team just massively overpaid for another CF last year in Gary Matthews, Jr. Vlad is getting older, Howie Kendrick can't stay healthy, and the sheen is starting to fade on the heralded prospects that the Angels have held onto for so long.

Still, they default into the top spot as I just can't bring myself to believe that the Mariners can overtake them this year.


Gary Matthews Jr. version of the childhood classic.

2. Seattle Mariners - Bedard is a stud, plain and simple. And he will be pitching in a pitcher's ball park in Seattle. Pairing him with King Felix gives Seattle a killer 1-2 punch at the top of their rotation.

Jarrod Washburn gave the Ms a league average performance last year. Carlos Silva will probably provide them with the same this year. And Putz is a dynamite closer in and of himself.

So why the difference between the Mariners and the Angels? There really can be a case made to make Seattle the number one team in the West...but I'm not going to make it as I think that having a team that focuses its offense around 6 players that are on the wrong side of thirty is a dangerous proposition. Richie Sexson and Adrian Beltre continue to be offensive voids, Johjima was down last year, Vidro just isn't a DH, and Ibanez will be a 36 year old left fielder this year.

It'd not be outside of the realm of possibility for the Mariners to win the division...but I just think that they're more likely to break down by year's end.

I'm also holding my breath on King Felix, a 22 year old kid who is coming off of two straight 190 inning seasons. A lot of work on a young arm.


The next visitor to BrokeArm Mountain?

3. Oakland Athletics - Here's the thing. I think the A's are going to be really, really bad this year. Nevermind the fact that Rich Harden just got done dominating the World Champions...this is a team that is reloading. It shows, too, considering the product that is going onto the field. Daric Barton, Kurt Suzuki, Travis Buck, Jack Cust...these are all worthwhile players in their own way, but can an entire team be built out of these sort of blocks?

Huston Street is coming off of an injury and got absolutely shelled in the opener. That said, he's a quality arm when healthy and should be just fine. Harden, on the other hand, is a DL trip waiting to happen. Kerry Wood-West, I'd say.

People throw around Joe Blanton's name in trade talks...but considering that he's an average pitcher who has had his numbers bolstered by a favorable home park, buyer beware.

This is a team that I would have no problem putting as last in the division if not for the next team on my little list here...


For the last time, it's not this Billy Bean(e).

4. Texas Rangers - Where to start, where to start? I like Saltalamacchia quite a bit...so much that I am not going to spell check that and just, instead, assume that it's correct. Michael Young has sort of fallen off the ledge as a star, but is still a productive hitter. Hank Blalock is coming off of an injury that limited him to only 200 or so ABs last year.

The pitching...oh the pitching. I like the Jason Jennings signing, but then that's because A) I like pitchers who keep the ball on the ground and B) I'm considering last year a wash due to injury. Padilla? Millwood? McCarthy? Bleh.

I really have nothing else to say about the Texas Rangers. Except that their eyes are upon you...any wrong you do, they're going to see...


When you're in Texas look behind you, cause that's where the ranger's gonna be.

As always, not spell-checked, not proof-read...it's raw prediction, baby.

- Fly (fly@bricksandivyradio.com)

Women's College Basketball Tournament Finally Arrives!

So I will have the privilege of seeing our Cubbies in action on Saturday when they take on the HATED White Sox in an epic, incredible, cataclysmic... and totally meaningless game.

I'll be out for the next few days, therefore, so unless one of my compatriots steps up with content - not bloody likely - we'll be back in earnest on Sunday.

And I got a good one brewin', too. Totally involves boobs. Kinda. Sorta. Boobs.


So now I leave you with....

All your outfielder are belong to us!


by Richard N. Sachs

(Chicago, IL) - Jacque Jones, whose tenure as a member of the Chicago Cubs has been plagued by his standoffish relationship with the fans in the bleachers, was traded to the Detroit Tigers for utility infielder Omar Infante.

"We love Jacque and we wish him well with the Tigers," said Jim Hendry, GM of the Cubs. "This wasn't a performance issue -- other than the 20,000 4-3 groundouts, Jacque was a very solid player for us. We've just decided to pursue someone, more...how can I put this delicately? More Asian."


The Cubs' marketing department is excited about the possibility of selling tens of thousands of "Fuk U Do Me" jerseys and t-shirts in 2008.

Jones, while surging somewhat in the second half of the 2007 season, had a puzzling year at the plate. He finished the season with only five home runs -- the fewest of his career, including his rookie year when he appeared in only 95 games.

"Wait? I'm going to the Tigers? For real? BOO-YAH! Heading to Motown, bitches!" replied Jacque, when notified of the trade. "All y'all [caucasian] [folks who engage in incest with their mothers] in the bleachers can kiss my black ass!"

From 1999 through 2007, Kosuke Fukudome -- who the Cubs are expected to pursue aggressively -- has hit .306 with 179 HR and 599 RBI for the Chunichi Dragons.

"If we are fortunate enough to persuade Mr. Fukudome to join the Cubs, we expect him to play the game a lot like Jacque did for us. He hits lefty, throws righty, has a little bit of pop in his bat, has some speed," explained Hendry. "He'll just do it in a...less...urban way. Know what I mean?"

"You want me to elaborate? Fine," said Hendry. "I'll put it this way. In 2008, we're looking for less FUBU and more FUKU. Hey...I like that. Can we put that on a t-shirt?"



(Richard N. Sachs is Geoff's B&I Times pseudonym. For some reason Ace insists that we all have one for these articles. In Ace's case, he has a pseudonym of a pseudonym -- the snail shell spirals deeper...

In case it isn't painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Jim Hendry and Jacque Jones would never, ever say (or think) such things. At least...we don't think so. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don't sue. We don't have money anyway. Complaints taken at geoff@bricksandivyradio.com)

by Flexwell G. Puckerpants

(Mesa, AZ) - Among the best kept secrets this winter and spring has been a secret Jim Hendry has kept under lock and key for some time. Indeed, no one in the baseball world had a clue about the bombshell that would be dropped this weekend by sleuthy baseball blog, MLBMadeUpRumors.com.

The Chicago Cubs are interested in acquiring Baltimore Oriole Brian Roberts.

"I can't believe it's gotten out," Cubs GM Jim Hendry said after finishing a bacon, egg, ham, and bison biscuit Sunday morning, when he learned that the Cubs interest had been reported. "We tried so hard to keep our interest in Brian Roberts secret over the past two months. We even went so far as to sign a second baseman last year, and have him turn in a tremendous season, so that way no one in the world would suspect that we would be looking for a second baseman. Afterall, what sane organization would?"

Hendry also pointed other team efforts to keep the media at bay with regards to possible interest in Roberts: paying George Mitchell to include Roberts in the Mitchell Report and planting former Cub President Andy McPhail in the Baltimore front office to keep a lid on things.

"Now our plans to reveal the acquisition by placing a gigantic mystery box at second base on opening day, only to have Brian Roberts leap out are ruined," Hendry lamented. "And I already ruined the other idea by eating the gigantic cake he was going to pop out of."


Like this piece? Want to see more or just peruse headlines? Want to win a free "Ipood"? Then click here for more B&I Times hilarity!

(In case it isn't painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. The Cubs' interest in Brian Roberts is no secret. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don't sue. We don't have money anyway. Complaints taken at ace@bricksandivyradio.com)

NEWSBRIEF: Reggie Bush on Relationship with Kim Kardashian: "There's a chick attached to that ass?"

"I didn't realize I was 'dating' anyone," the Heisman trophy-winning running back said. "I just saw a gigantic ass, and thought, 'I gotta be next to that.'"

Sean Gallagher Patiently Explains that 'Hannah Montana' is the Superstar Performer, Miley Cyrus is "Just the regular girl"

As the season approaches, it's time to start remembering the many foibles of our little team...

Piniella double-switches own children, cousins at dinner table

by Eugene Fitswell

(Chicago, IL) - Cubs manager Lou Piniella, unhappy with his current lineup at the family dinner table, made a double switch of children last night, bringing in cousin Lauren Piniella from Tampa to take the place of daughter Lynn Piniella, and bringing in cousin Frank Piniella out of Seattle to replace son Joey Piniella.

"We just needed to gain a more favorable matchup for the meatloaf," stated Piniella. "Lauren and Joey have never had a very favorable taste for my wife's meatloaf, but Lauren and Frank have been able to handle it pretty well."

The Piniella children, who were unavailable for comment upon the release of this article, did not appear too upset, but were seen criticizing their father after the dinner when he also decided to pinch-eat Daryle Ward for his wife halfway through the meal. When asked about this, all Piniella said was "We didn't have any room for leftovers in the fridge, so we needed to bring Daryle in for a clutch situation."

There were no leftovers.




(In case it isn't painfully obvious, the B&I Times Monitor Standard Courier is a PARODY news publication, so accounts and quotes are FICTIONAL. Lou Piniella did not actually say or do these things. However, Daryle Ward DID finish Piniella's leftovers at the team dinner last week...we think. No one should construe this fake article as being fact. Additionally, any similarity between this and other publications is entirely coincidental. Don't sue. We don't have money anyway. Complaints taken at koz@bricksandivyradio.com)

NEWSBRIEF: Astros 2B Kaz Matsui to See Hemorrhoid Specialist

Um, no seriously.

Well, we don't. Well, I guess we like competition and brackets, but whatever.

If YOU do, you should check out the tourney our buddies over at Sharapova's Thigh have going on now. It's a field of 65 - yes, complete with play-in game - theoretically comprised of the hottest women in the world. You oogle some chicks, vote for your favorites, they win, you win... you get the picture. March Madness.

March... Boobness.

No, no. No, that didn't work at all.

Moved.

NEWSBRIEF: Brett Favre Retires to Pursue Writing, Directing and No-Inflection Monotone Acting Career

"I could play another 15 years, sure," the retiring Green Bay Packer Quarterback said Tuesday. "But I want to explore other opportunities, like Tiki Barber. Ever since my Academy Award-winning performance in 'There's Something About Mary,' I've just felt bitten by the bug. The Hollywood bug. I've even got a script. Check it out. 'There's Something About Mary 2: There's Still Something About Mary's Hair.' I come back, kick that loser Ted's butt, and me and Mary make sure her hair is always stuck up. Know what I'm saying?"

Another week, another Mailbag. I swear at some point I'll do the kind where I praise/make fun of Carrie again. But with the people who write in to Carrie... these are just too easy. Enjoy.



From Cubs.com: Mailbag: Fuld's Offense Overlooked?

I keep reading about the competition between Felix Pie and Fuld for center field. Most Cubs fans have seen what Pie can do, but the only argument for Fuld, while it was an amazing play, was his great catch against the ivy last year. Why does no one bring up his offensive ability? What are the scouting reports on his hitting?
-- Ryan O., New Orleans

People don't bring up his offense, Ryan O, because his offense was put up in the minor leagues when he was 35 years old. Or something like that. Sure, he beat the hell out of the Arizona Fall League last year, but 1.) offense is always up in the AFL, 2.) as mentioned, Fuld was like, mega old for the league, and 3.) wait, are you saying the only argument for him is his catch into the ivy, or are you saying his offense is also an argument? Just what the hell is your agenda here, Ryan O?

Is Soto the real deal? I have talked to several Cubs fans who feel the team is weak behind the plate right now, and if the club were to trade for anyone, it should be a more established catcher.
-- Nathan C., Amarillo, Texas

Why does Carrie take these questions? Seriously?

Nate, don't let the fact that your question was selected fool you into thinking it was a good question, or that you aren't a retard. It wasn't, and you are. Soto may not be all-world, but there's nothing more he can do to prove he's ready to be given a chance to start in a spot where the team has a hole. Ha ha. I said "has a hole."

Am I the only one who remembers how well Mike Fontenot hit last year when he got the chance to play every day? His defense was suspect, but he's a productive hitter. He's got a short, quick, compact stroke. He sparks the offense, moves runners and swings left-handed. Why is he being overlooked?
-- Jacob P., Ames, Iowa

People overlook Fontenot because he's 4'6".

*Ba dum ching*

Buuuuuut seriously, it's because outside of one month last year, he sucked donkey sausage.

I read that the CEO of the Tribune Co. won't hesitate to sell the naming rights of Wrigley Field. I think I speak for all Cubs fans when I say this would be nothing short of a tragedy. Is there really a good chance they will rename Wrigley Field? Please tell me no.
-- Mark M., Des Moines

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Mark. Sam Zell has indeed said he would sell naming rights to Wrigley Field, and we've just learned that beginning this year, Wrigley Field will be known as the Toshiba Fukudome Express Super Happy Fun Field for Baseball and Outdoor Goodness. I kinda like it.

It seems all of Chicago's sports teams are doing something to show support for the NIU community except the Cubs. What gives?
-- Julie B., Westmont, Ill.

Man, even if you're totally wrong, Julie, it would take a real douchebag to make you feel stupid about such a serious question.... so take it away, Carrie!

Carrie: You must have missed the note: The Cubs will fly an NIU flag on top of the grandstand all season in honor of the students killed in February at the school.

Way to miss the note, Julie. The Cubs totally passed it to you in study hall. You must not care about the students who lost their lives in that tragedy. You suck.

NEWSBRIEF: Felix Pie Suffers Twisted Testicle, Alfonso Soriano Suffers Broken Finger, Cubs Nation Suffers Coincidence-itis

According to Cubs.com, the two injuries happened late last week and/or over the weekend.

"All I'm saying is I know they're close," Cub fan Reggie Copeland said Monday in response to the disclosure of injuries to Cub outfielders Felix Pie and Alfonso Soriano. "Look. If one were going to twist someone's testicle - I'm not saying it happened, I'm just saying if - how would one do it? Would they not do it with their fingers? I'm just saying there are scenarios here. Scenarios."

Curious happenings with the pair (Pie and Soriano, not Pie's testicles) have been previously reported here at the Brickyard.


Cameras caught the double injury just moments after it happened. (photo courtesy Chicago Tribune)

Moved.

Tennis Vixen Anna Kournikova Loses Another Tournament; You Would Still Bang Her

Have I mentioned that Sean Marshall should make the rotation over the likes of the aging wonder, Jon Lieber?

Just thought I'd reiterate it as we start playing some Spring Training games.

Ah yes, Carrie had another mailbag, and thus we have another Muskat Manor. We'll field the questions, thank you very much Carrie. Enjoy. or else.



From Cubs.com: Mailbag: Are Pie, Fuld good enough?

Felix Pie and center field, Kosuke Fukudome, Cubs vs. Cardinals and blue jerseys are among the topics in this week's mailbag.

With the uncertainty surrounding the potential of Pie, have the Cubs considered a trade for Coco Crisp? He seems to be everything we hope Felix will become, and he's available.
-- Tom D., Anchorage

Tom says Coco Crisp is everything we hope Felix Pie will become. Love those high hopes, Tom. You're one optimistic, dude.

Newsflash: Just because the kid has "Pie" in his name does *not* mean you have to compare him to another sugary food product.

I keep hearing that Fukudome is fast, but how fast are we talking here? Is he fast for right field or is he fast like a Jimmy Rollins, Carl Crawford or Ichiro, or is he fast enough to not be called slow? Also, what is a realistic projection of his power numbers for his first year as a Cubbie?
-- Chase G., Stillwater, Okla.

Fast enough to not be called slow? What the hell? Why would they call him "fast" then? You must be the dumbest piece of crap in the history of the universe, Chase. Can you read AT ALL?

To answer your question, he's pretty much just not slow. Thanks for writing.

I want to know why Fukudome isn't being looked at for the four-hole in the lineup. All I've read about is him hitting fifth, most likely, and possibly second. Fukudome's on-base percentage and ability to work counts seems to be perfect in front of Ramirez. Would you mind asking Lou what he thinks?
-- Harrison N., Indianapolis

I want to make fun of you, Harrison. But I can't Because that's a damn good question. Your name is Harrison, though, and unless your last name is Ford, that's pretty lame.

I read that Carlos Zambrano was playing a little first base in the offseason to strengthen his legs. Would Piniella ever consider using him at first base to give Lee a day off, because of Zambrano's hitting ability?
-- Jason C., Des Moines, Iowa

Yeah. Lou is gonna start Zambrano at first to get his big stick in the lineup. His big, gigantic, .580 OPS stick. And that's only if Mike Hampton is unavailable.

I wanted to give props to Mark DeRosa for his taste in music. I got on YouTube and watched some of [American Idol contestant] Michael Johns' videos. He is amazing and, thanks to DeRosa, I'll be watching and voting.
-- Thomas D., Gainesville, Fla.

Hey, Tom? You need help, bro.

Could you tell me the all-time record between the Cubs and Cardinals? I work with a Cardinals fan, and he said the Redbirds lead the series by a huge margin. I believe it's closer than he thinks.
-- Kenny R., Poseyville, Ind.

The Cubs lead the all-time series against the Cardinals, 1,137-1,072. Thus, you should tell him he is wrong, and an idiot.

Then, punch him in the scrotal sac.

If he has one.

Which he doesn't. Because he's a Cardinal fan.

Will the new statue for Ernie Banks be put in place by Opening Day? I see they are reconstructing the sidewalk in front of Wrigley underneath the marquee.
-- Brian D., Grayslake, Ill.

Everything you need to know on that question can be found here.

Are the Cubs going to bring back the blue jerseys this year? I missed seeing Cubbie blue every once in awhile last year, and I know Zambrano loves the blues.
-- Matt B., New Lenox, Ill.

Why would the Cubs wear blue? They're going to wear bright pink like they - and you, Matt - always do. Much love!

Moved.

It appears to be time to rock the AL Central as only I can...Flyishly. This one is going to be tough, I think, because the bottom three teams are all junk. Junk. Absolute junk. But I'll come up with a way to rank them.

Probably randomly.

THE AL CENTRAL!

1) Detroit Tigers - I think that Detroit is the best team in baseball this year. The lineup is absolutely sick. Cabrera is one of the top 5 hitters in the game (even more unfounded speculation...I'm not looking it up), Magglio is solid, Carlos Guillen was an under-rated player at SS, but probably overwhelmed as an offensive first basemen. Still a solid hitter. Sheffield seems to be healty. Granderson: stud. Their number nine hitter is Jacque Jones for crying out loud, who has 15-22 HR power.

The staff? Nasty. Bonderman and Verlander are top of rotation caliber arms. I expect a breakout, Cy Young caliber year from at least one of them. I've never been a huge fan of Dontrelle Willis, but as a number four he has value and his delivery will probably confuse the AL for the first few months.


My cheese fries are missing. Where's Jim Hendry?

2) Cleveland Indians - The top two teams of the AL Central will be what keep the Yankees out of the playoffs this year. Cleveland has a lineup that would make a lot of team salivate. In spite of the fact that he's not a spring chicken anymore, I expect Hafner to have a better year than last (though not as good as the year before that). Sizemore is in the one division where his status as best CF is in question. Victor Martinez is without peer, offensively, behind the plate.

Ryan Garko looks poised for a huge year, as well.

CC Sabathia is in the final year of his deal in Cleveland and I think that he'll price himself out of Cleveland. I do have concerns with Carmona coming off of a lot of innings last year (215 IP at 23 years old...yikes). Carmona getting hurt would knock the Indians out of playoff contention, but I'm going to work under the assumption that everything will be alright.

Joe Borowski at closer means a lot of harrowing ninth innings for Cleveland fans. 45 saves and a 5+ ERA? How does that happen?


Couldn't think of a picture, so just used one from below.

3) Chicago Butt...I mean White Sox - They're gonna default into three after the moves the Twins made in the offseason. Konerko, Thome, and Swisher is a strong middle of the lineup and a return to form by Dye makes that offense dangerous. Josh Fields is heralded, but unproven.

The rotation is meh, I think. Buerhle is fine, but then who? I think I heard that they were signing/had signed Colon, but I can't confirm it. Either way, his arm is junk.

Bobby Jenks is dominant at the end of the game, but it's only a matter of time before he is too coked out to play.


The Bobby Jenks weight loss plan: Cocaine and Schnapps.

4) Minnesota Twins - Puzzling, puzzling moves this offseason for the Twins. Trading away Johan for what was reportedly the fourth best package they were offered? Garza for Young? If pitching wins championships, then the Twins have gone the way of the Rays.

The lineup is stacked. Morneau, Mauer, Cuddyer, and Young is a solid middle four. The AL Central is probably going to be one of the best hitting divisions in baseball.

However, the pitching is a huge, huge question mark. Liriano is coming off of major arm surgery. Past him, it's Boof Bonser and Scott Baker. Not good enough to compete in a lot of divisions, definitely not good enough to compete in the AL Central.

Look for Joe Nathan to be moved during the season.


Twins

5) Kansas City Royals - One of the teams that I keep forgetting is actually in the majors. The Gil Meche experiment worked out well for them in year one, but that's a big contract for what, to me, will end up an average pitcher. Hard to throw around that sort of money as a limited payroll team.

Jose Guillen is a good player, but not worth the headache. He won't survive the duration of his contract. John Buck had a good year for a catcher...he's definitely worthwhile in fantasy baseball, at the very least. Teahen should be better and Alex Gordon is supposed to be All-World.

KC is a team without a direction. It's hard to see them being better than the fourth best team in this division any time in the near future.


The only royalty the Brickyard recognizes is the Macho King. Oooh yeah!

As always, this is without proof-reading. It's sort of my thing.

- Fly (fly@bricksandivyradio.com)

Ok, all done. Nothing more to see here.

Well not for the whole blog. Just this post.

NEWSBRIEF: Cleveland Cavaliers Apparently Now Favorites to Win the East After Adding Some Kind of Giant Clock

Having no interest in actually researching professional basketball, we can only assume that Lebron James is excited to have Big Ben on the team because of its enormous presence in the middle. Or something. Cheers mate.

NEWSBRIEF: Tampa Bay Devil Rays Change Name to Remove Negative Connotation - Now Known as Cleveland Indians

"No, no," President Matthew Silverman said Thursday. "It wasn't the 'Devil' part that was negative. It was the 'Tampa Bay Devil Rays' part. Loooootta negative things associated with that name. Like Godaw